now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
