she woke up with a sticky ear
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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