I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
