I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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