We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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