i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
