I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize