he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize