I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
