I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
