Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
