i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
