After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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