If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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