She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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