Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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