No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Let's paint friendship bongs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, beer. Big fan.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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