we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize