Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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