I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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