worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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