well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
