it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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