Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
