I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
