a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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