Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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