The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
