By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
