I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
my poor anus
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
