and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
