and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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