yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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