I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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