I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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