He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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