im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize