I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
