Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
