Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
