someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
