Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
