had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
