"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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