you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
