Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
