i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
