Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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