listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
