im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
