So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
