btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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