Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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