i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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