my soul wont recognize me after tonight
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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