I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
