life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
