She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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