i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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