I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
