It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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