peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
