Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
