Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
two words...techno handjob
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize