Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
