Got a toothbrush?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
