Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
