you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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