wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize