Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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